The Biggest Knob in Rugby League Winner 2014

24 Feb

At the commencement of each competition it is tradition to crown the winner from the previous year.

This year saw the emergence of new faces and the resurgence of old ones. The charge sheet reads: assault, drink driving, sexual assault, spousal abuse, drug trafficking and manslaughter. Wow! The 2014 competition was the toughest yet, well at least since 2013.

It was nice to see some former players keeping their heads in the game, Craig field dabbled in some manslaughter while Matt Sears and Jason Smith were charged with trafficking cocaine. It is now clear how Jason Smith played until he was 40 and how Matt Sears ran down Brett Mullins in the final series in 1993. I thought it was Matt Sear’s speed but it was clearly his coke.  

The Runners up for 2014

  1. Mitchell ‘the myth’ Pearce. Well we finally found a decent NSW halves pairing in Mitchell Pearce and Melissa Erroja. The coming together of these two hugely talented and classy individuals ensured that NSW finally won an Origin Series. Although Erroja had a better kicking game than Pearce, Mitchell was able to mentor her on the ability to do nothing and build a career on it. But in all seriousness thank you Mitchell for being a knob and securing us an origin title. As with every new year Pearce will be back in contention with Matt Johns, Sterlo and the rest of the NRL cronies telling us that he is in “career best form” and pushing for selection.

 Blues Saviour

  SOS yellow dress, NSW needs you early May.

  1. Jamil Hopoate, who the bookies had ranked in the number 1 position to take out the ‘Golden Knob’ for 2014, (check out here) did his best by assaulting a person outside a pub and being sentenced to 1 year jail. Only being a fringe first grade player it was hard to give Jamil the award. But It isn’t the end of the world, Will Hopoate was away for 2 years being a Mormon and Jamil will only be away for 1 year being a moron. It’s a great effort for a rookie to finish number 2 and needless to say, his father John Hopoate was as proud as punch……. kick, elbow and knees.Hoppa
  2. Kirisome Avua’a. Was charged and convicted of assaulting his ex-girlfriend. Once again I think Kirisome copped a bad deal. He was told that the NRL would not tolerate spousal abuse so he broke up with his partner before assaulting her. Common sense kicked in (excuse the pun) when Souths or Souffs (as they’re officially known) managed to conceal this crime to enable Kirisome to play the finals. Glory Glory!

Now to the winner:

In a year where the entire Cronulla Sharks Organization could have won the award, one shark stood above them all.

 I take great pleasure in announcing the winner of the 2014 Biggest Knob in Rugby League Competition and recipient of The Golden Knob’ is none other than:

Golden Knob

Todd proves that you can ban the boy from Goulburn but you can’t ban the Goulburn from the boy. Carney by name and Carney by nature, his form in this competition has been red hot. Bursting onto the scene in 2006 he was charged with drink driving/reckless driving and suspended from driving a motor vehicle for five years. In 2007 while his license was suspended he was caught driving team mate Steve Irwin’s (actual name) car. When police attempted to pull the car over, Carney lead police on a high speed chase which ended with Todd fleeing the scene on foot, leaving Steve Irwin in the passenger seat. Like a ‘stingray barb’ to the heart Steve was stopped in his tracks and gave Toddy up as the driver. He was reported as saying

 “Crikey, did you see Toddy go. Looks like he is over that hamstring injury.  Also, can we keep this out of the papers Terri thinks I am ‘brown bread’ “.

Steve Irwin

Crikey is that the cops!

In 2008 Todd urinated on a man in a Canberra nightclub. The man had to undertake counselling to overcome the trauma of the incident because apparently it was a frequent occurrence with this individual. If you look below at the picture of the Canberra man in question you can see why Todd made the mistake. Understandably all charges were dropped.


“Jesus Christ! Why does this keep happening to me?”

February 2009, Carney went on a vandalism spree in Goulburn, jumping on a car bonnet and damaging the entrance to a Fone Zone store which led to his banning from his hometown. Apparently the banning of Carney from Goulburn saw celebrations not seen since 1945.


Down Town Goulburn after the banning of Todd Carney

In 2010 Carney allegedly injured a man by setting his pants on fire in an incident on New Year’s Eve. The man suffered burns to his buttock, scrotum and upper thighs after having his pants set alight while on holiday at Airlie Beach. Carney allegedly told friends that this man had told several untruths and therefore set his pants on fire.I believe Carney’s legal team sighted on old law instituted by Mother England in an attempt to educate the convicts. The law clearly states, “that if an individual is to be touting untruths then those in ear shot and only those in ear shot are legally allowed to set the individual’s pants on fire”.  This law is still practiced in Goulburn and therefore  no conviction was recorded.

In 2011 he was charged with drink driving and released by the Roosters. After this he was signed by the Sharks and Todd had a horror run in 2012/2013 with very few off field incidents.  It looked like his status as a future ‘Immortal Knob’ was in doubt. BUT, just like Viagra, you can’t keep a good knob down and Carney wrote himself into knob head folklore.

In 2014 Todd was pictured in a bathroom urinating in his own mouth or ‘mouff’ as it known to most Rugby league players.  As quickly as Todd’s mouth went Viral so did the picture.  Now I think Todd has received the rough end of the pineapple with this incident. It is clear to me that his behavior is improving. As previously mentioned in 2007 he allegedly urinated on a patron in a Canberra night club. Clearly he learned from this because after receiving counselings he  learned that you don’t do anything to anyone you wouldn’t like being done to you. So in an act of  compassion, empathy and complete redemption Todd pissed in his own ‘mouff’. I for one, applaud him. It takes a real man to piss in himself and a bigger man to swallow.

Ladies and Gentlemen,  Mr Todd Carney.


Todd’s mouth went Viral before the picture did

It is at this juncture I would like to announce a new award that has been inspired by Todd Carney.  This prestigious award will be given to former players that have shown consistent knob head behaviour during and after their football careers. This player will be inducted as an ‘Immortal Knob’ and recognized for their anti-social services to rugby league.

With that I would like to announce:

The first Immortal Knob and recipient of the Bronze Bubbler Award’ to ‘The Public Unrinator, The Smooth Defacator’, ‘The Original Knob’my favorite and yours (except for Samantha Riley).

Mr Julian O’Neill


This is how we remember the legend:

  • Conrad Jupiters Casino where he was reported to have urinated under a blackjack table, including indecent exposure and offensive behavior.
  • Played a season with the London Broncos and was released by them after a drink-driving offence.
  • He made a fresh start at the Western Reds in 1996 but was released in 1997 after being fined and disqualified from driving in Perth’s Magistrates Court.
  • In 1999 he was fined $10,000 by Souths over a pre-season tour incident where a drunken O’Neill defecated in the footwear of teammate Jeremy Schloss. O’Neill reportedly uttered the alliterative line, “I just shat it Schlossy’s shoe,” to his teammates.
  • In 2004 he was accused of drunkenly attempting to set fire to a 13-year-old boy who was wearing a foam-rubber dolphin mascot suit whilst on a river cruise in Port Macquarie. To avoid apprehension, O’Neill stripped to his underwear following the incident, dived into the Hastings River and swam to shore, before hitchhiking and being picked up by a passing car.

Julian O'Neill

Mr O’Neill you have paved the way for future generations with your actions. In an era with no social media and very few camera phones you managed to bring maximum attention to your unruly behavior. I believe that if you were in an era of Facebook, Twitter and Viber you would have put these young kids to shame. It is an honour to have you as the first Immortal Knob.

Any words Mr O’Neill,

 ‘The best thing I did for Jeremy Schloss was shit in his shoe. No one would know who that prick was if it wasn’t for my Edgar Brit’.
2000 201009200074

Now the formalities of last season are out of the way I look forward to the 2015 season. Look out for The Biggest Knob in Rugby League Competition 2015 which I will post prior to Round 1 2015. I will analyse who are the trenders, contenders and the pretenders. But if recent events tell us anything, it looks like 2015 will be a big year.  

With that I will leave with a quote that will inspire you to greatness:

  “I just shat in Schlossy’s Shoe”

                                                                          Julian O’Neill  1998

Rant On.

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