THE BIGGEST KNOB IN RUGBY LEAGUE COMPETITION 2014

6 Mar

What a year 2013 was for the National Rugby League. We had The Roosters win a Grand final, Queensland remain a force in Origin and the Golden Knob was awarded to Blake Ferguson for being the biggest dickhead in Rugby League, an honour that he took with both hands. Blake did such a good job at being a dickhead he still remains unsigned for season 2014. This effort is the stuff of legends which may never be repeated.

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Sandor secretly loving Blake’s penis resting against his neck. Sandor and Blake no longer in the NRL

To receive his Rothman’s Medal for player of the year in 1991,  Ewen McGrady had to be escorted by police just to make it the Ceremony. Interestingly enough it was several police escorts that led Blake to his ‘knob of the year award’ in 2013.

Blake has been a worthy winner and has really taken to the people to celebrate his win. Not before publicly declaring that he had adopted the Muslim faith and rejected alcohol. I think choosing a religion that required him to go cold turkey was  an impossible leap of faith. If he  gave Christianity a look in he could have easily accounted for his drinking with a simple biblical reference to John 2:1-11.  The miracle of ‘water into wine’ is the perfect excuse if  he is ever caught drinking.  Or he could have  followed in Snoop Dogs/Lion’s lead and become a Rastafarian where his religion requires him to smoke weed.  He should have tested a few religions  before committing. So when Blake was seen in a pub drinking several schooners it left patrons a little perplexed. But when Blake pulled out his Golden beauty and sat it on the bar for all to see, everyone in the pub realized they were in the presence of greatness . One patron was quoted as saying in admiration,

“You don’t just get given those awards. You gotta earn them”

Golden Knob AwardOnce again well done on the win Blake but as they say, ‘last year’s Court papers, torn contracts, fines and victim testimonies are tomorrow’s fish and chip wrappers’. Therefore I would like to wipe the leader board clear and announce,

 ‘THE BIGGEST KNOB OF THE YEAR AWARD 2014’

The same rules apply as last year with the addition of two new rules. In case you need a rule refresher please refer to the link below,

http://therantnation.com/2013/02/07/225/

The two new rules for the 2014 season are as follows:

The Prodigal Son rule. If any player breaks their contract because they are home sick they awarded 500 points

Apparently when players sign $500000 a year contracts they don’t realize that Mummy and Daddy don’t come with it. I can’t believe the NRL didn’t warn these grown men that moving interstate required some maturity. The NRL have to take some responsibility in this situation and realise that these adults are receiving a wage 8 times more than the average person. How could you not expect them to indulge in gambling, drugs, alcohol, eventually cheat on their wives and then alienate their team mates. It is too much to expect them to value their circumstance, respect a contract and exude a level of professionalism. Apparently so.

PLEASE. The Ben Barba’s of this world need a kick up the arse.  He shat where he ate, left the Bulldogs to clean it up and then sighted the need to be around family as his excuse to cut his contract short. This new tactic of claiming social issues, dependency problems, depression and then running back to family simply reeks. It’s like dealing with kids who are on camp or on their first day of school.

“oh Mrs Barba, Ben has been crying all morning and says he misses you. You better come by and pick him up. He is in the sick bay because he says he is feeling down”.

Ben misses Mum on the first day of Broncos training

Ben misses Mum on the first day of Broncos training

Man up you bunch of mummies boys.  I wonder if the Epic Bender Crew have moved to Brisbane to keep Benny company. EBC for life! Dickheads.

Rule 2.

The Buddy Rule.

Luke-Ricketson-Buddy-FranklinThis has nothing to do with mate ship and has everything to do with Buddy Franklin. This knob head from the south brings a fun boy persona to Sydney that has seen him captured with other dislikable peanuts like Quade Cooper and James O’Connor. Any league player pictured with Buddy will incur a 250 point penalty. If you pair the ‘Buddy rule’ with the ‘Knob Trifecta’ (Rule 15) you will receive 500 point penalty, this is known as the ‘First four’ infraction. If any player then rolls this ‘First four’ infraction into a picture with Mundine (Rule 3) you will receive a 1000 point penalty. To clarify, the photo must include Buddy Franklin, Quade Cooper, SBW, Mundine and the player in question. You would need a bloody wide angel lens to get all these egos in one shot. Might need to set it to panorama

Rule 3: 

The Rocky Rule: Any player that announces a boxing career or aspirations for a boxing career will be awarded a 500 point penalty. Further to this if they fight and lose it’s 1000 points.

Paul Gallen's next opponent

Paul Gallen’s next opponent

Pretty sure the world is sick of Rugby League players stepping into the ring,  Gallen, Williams, Ferguson, Mundine, amd Hopoate to name a few.  Fighting 50 year old no names from New Zealand doesn’t count as a professional career. The undercard for the last Mundine fight  had Blake Ferguson  on debut as the semi main event. While Jarrod Fletcher ,  a very accomplished amateur,  a Commonwealth games gold medal winner and now a professional, fought in Ferguson’s false shadow. The hilarious thing is Ferguson fought a guy with no real experience and still lost. Not only do these knobs disrespect themselves they disrespect  boxers who train and fight hard to earn a spot on the card just to have talent-less footballers skip the queue.

An anonymous source from the boxing fraternity best said it when asked about NRL players turning to pro boxing,

“too stupid for nrl, so as an elite athlete with years of training and money invested in them they move to another sport, take on competition that is anything but elite- almost exclusively hand picked opponents who train part time and have extremely limited experience- and then displace actual elite boxers on pay per view cards, taking money out of their pockets while making Australian boxing look like a joke despite the fact that we have a wealth of boxing talent available at the moment”

Stick to football fellas. At least that way you have 12 other people to blame when it comes crashing down.

It wouldn’t be a season launch without predicting who I think will be the top 5 players in the running for the Golden Knob Award for 2014.

5. Sam Burgess (sloth).

Sam Burgess

Big Sammy started the season off by announcing that he is running off to Rugby Union in England. This in itself brings an immediate penalty of 100 points in accordance with Rule 13. Having a late surge last year with antics such as squeezing a Melbourne Storm players jatz crackers I see him having an almighty year. Having secured a contract in England and with brother George cocked and ready to go I think we should prepare ourselves for the sloth to have quite an impact in the social scene. He is at long odds but with the no tomorrow in the NRL it could make for an interesting today.

4. Josh Dugan.

images (5)

Get ready dragon fans. This is how hard Josh Dugan trains during the season.

Well doesn’t this man have some form. From the ACT stables young Dugan has the ability to play for Australia and an even greater ability to be a dickhead. He bolted early last year with his release from the Raiders and the Ferguson booze up but then died off towards the end of the season. There was no real trouble from Dugan in the second half of the year which saw him drop out of the race for the gong. Dugan’s form through his career has made it easy for our team of advisers to predict how his season will unfold:

Feigning injury after injury he will play no more than 6 games straight. He will then come back and play just enough football, score some brilliant individual tries, but at the same time be of no actual benefit to the club. While injured he will do something stupid under the influence of alcohol which will attract police attention and club penalties. This will happen 2-3 times in the season. He will cause in fighting among the players because of his special treatment  and will poison the side. Will it be enough for the ‘Golden Knob’? One hopes.

 3. Benny ‘Bender’ Barba

I told you to cook me some fucking eggs

I told you to cook me some fucking eggs

A big Chris Brown and  Prodigy fan, young Barba,  prior to last years indiscretions, was allegedly seen with his big headphones on bopping along to one of his favourite songs, ‘Smack my Bitch Up’.

Oh come on who isn’t guilty of listening to a song and then acting it out. Fergo and Dugan had been listening to ‘The Fiddler on the Roof’ soundtrack before their ‘breezer moment’ and apparently Sandor Earl’s favourite song is ‘infomer’  and we all know how that played out,  A Licky Boom Boom Down!

But instead of staying at the Bulldogs, the club that protected him while he allegedly partied the house down and allegedly beat women, good old Benny Boy flew the coup. The avoidance of responsibility and refusal of accountability mean that he is a great contender for 2014. Depending on his choice of soundtrack for this season we may hear more from Barbarino.

2. Jake Friend.

This may seem like a harsh choice but as the old saying goes, you can’t keep a good man down. After runs with police for assualt in 2009 and for possession of a prescription drug without a prescription in 2010, Friend has had a 3 year, blemish free, stint. His football has been excellent and representative honours beckon in 2014.

But Friend is my bolter for 2014. The Roosters are flying high after last years Premeirship and they look like absolute morals for back to back competition wins. Something needs to happen to unsteady this ship and I think Friend is the man to do it.

1. The Hopoate’s

HoppaBig John Hopoate has had more court appearances than Roger Federer and left an imprint or should I say a finger print on the game of Rugby League. He is the first player and still remains the only man to get charged with ‘brown eye gouging’. Still in and around the court system Big Hoppa has two sons playing in the NRL. One a devout Mormon the other a devout Moron.

Will Hopaote apparently takes after his mother and is a seemingly mild mannered man. He is back in the NRL after doing 2 years service as a missionary in the Mormon faith. He is playing for the Parramatta Eels and hoping to lead them on a pilgrimage to the top of the NRL ladder.

Enter brother Jamil;  after allegedly assaulting someone in Manly he has been dropped by Parramatta for season 2014 but he is hoping to sign with another club before the season is over. Jamil seems to have taken after his father and although he is still in the under 20’s he looks to have the makings of a future ‘Golden Knob’ recipient. In a recent court appearance the judge allegedly told young Jamil to ‘pull his finger out of his backside, stop getting in trouble and get back to playing football’.  After years of watching his dad stick his finger in backsides he was a little perplexed at the direction given by the judge but none the less promised to oblige. All I can say is that if you have eight kids and pack them full of athletic ability and combine them with the intellect of Big Hoppa you are bound to ensure a legacy for years to come. What kind of legacy remains to be seen.

Of course I may be wrong about all of the players mentioned above. But just like the NRL we only pay on results. So let the games begin and we will see you when it’s all over.

Oh just before I wrap it up. If Mitchell Pearce is selected to play Origin again this year then Laurie and the team of NSW Selectors may be given a special award.  At least they will be able to walk away from another lost series with a bit of silverware (or golden-ware) for the cabinet.

Happy NRL Season Everyone,

Rant On

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