Archive | September, 2013

Winner of the Biggest Knob in Rugby League Competition 2013

6 Sep

Ladies and Gentlemen the time has come to announce the winner of the inaugural ‘Biggest Knob in Rugby League award’. The winner will receive the highly sought after  ‘Golden Knob’ which has been jointly donated by  Michael Hill and Proud’s Jewelry. Although this is the first time it has  been awarded I would like to take a moment and pay tribute to some former knobs who have played the game.

Julian ‘the defecator’ O’Neil. Urinating and pissing at casino tables long before the Chinese taxi drivers even thought about it. His lucky number 8

Scott ‘scarface’ Wilson. One of the pioneers for the current day knobs. Wilson had more clubs than Adam Scotts Golf bag.  South Sydney Rabittohs, North Sydney Bears, Bulldogs (twice), Gold Coast Chargers, Western Reds and the North Queensland Cowboys. He also played for Salford and the Warrington Wolves. Scott loved a line and that wasn’t the kind to hang his washing on.

Luke Goodwin. Son of Ted and probably the best of all the Goodwins. Just your typical party boy knob who squandered his opportunities and wasted his potential. It seems Grayson Goodwin has taken over as the family dickhead.

Chris Walker. Peaked with Sally from Summer Bay. Then drank himself out of a series of contracts. Had more chances than a roulette wheel and kept coming up with 00.

John Hopoate. His career was littered with alcohol fueled incidents and on field brain fades. His greatest legacy involved inserting his fingers into other players bum holes. He now works as a security guard at a night club and is excelling at his job. Allegedly using his old rugby league ‘one finger trick’ he has developed a unique and violent free way to remove rowdy patrons. What saw him get 12 weeks suspension in the NRL has revolutionized the security industry. When you get assholed from one of Hoppa’s pubs, you really get assholed.

OK enough of the pioneers we need to get to the finalists for this years awards. Due to limited time and space we can’t name all the players that polled points. The last 5 weeks the points system has been kept a secret and I can tell you there has been some late movers  for the Golden Knob.

I will now revel the top 5 contenders  in the order they finished the season. Without further ado I give the knob finalists

Josh Dugan

art-353-DUGAN-20ld-20thin-300x0

WOW!! He has managed to do a double selfie, selfie. Wanker squared.

Josh Dugan was at very short odds at the start of the season and hasn’t disappointed the punters.  I will give you a brief run down.

The initial no show for training after drinking with Ferguson. Then the roof top ‘breezer incidient’. The no show for disciplinary action and the release from the Canberra Raiders. The twitter tirade in which he told a guy to kill himself which led to the Broncos rescinding their offer. The booze up with Blake Ferguson the day before Origin camp which led to Ferguson being charged with assault. The police being called a week later to a public disturbance to his house in Cronulla to find Dugan and a mate fishing from a boat that was parked on the side of the road.

For a man that seemingly lacks grey matter,  Mr Dugan hasn’t actually accumulated that many points. It seems that the second half of his season was relatively point free. After adding all of 2013 indiscretions he only tallies 450 points. .  But he still did enough early on to hold his position in the top 5 for this year. For as long as Josh is playing top grade football he will always be a favorite with the bookies to contend for the knob of the year award.

Sandor Earl

Earl

Good ol bum bag is a dead giveaway. It is a great way to transport stuff. Sandor likes how the stars match the ones on his leg

I will say one word,  ‘Dorguson’. For those of you that are unaware, Sandor has a tattoo of his name combined with Blake Ferguson’s to make ‘Dorguson’. This follows in the footsteps of ‘Brangelina’ and ‘Tomkat’ but the difference is that the latter were married  Hollywood couples. Ferguson promised to get ‘Dorguson’ tattooed on his arm but has yet to follow through.  Is there trouble in paradise? Maybe that’s why Ferguson wants to leave Canberra?

Hands up who likes gay tattoos!

Hands up who likes gay tattoos!

The tattoo by itself  doesn’t come with a large penalty it only has a loading of 50 points but what shot Earl into contention for the award was his alleged use and distibution of performance enhancing peptides, a loading of 500 points. Total Knob Points  550

Sandor Earls closet must be huge if he can fit himself and a stock pile of peptides inside it. We should have tweeked when Earl starting wearing  a bumbag and tear away trackies while he was playing. An absolute dead giveaway.

But what I find amazing is that there is no real evidence that these peptides are  performance enhancing. I plead to the court that Sandor Earl proves that these peptides don’t actually work. I submit his past two season as evidence to the contrary.

George Burgess

George

Claims he will never use a street sign in anger again

The naked selfie kicked off his campaign. Big Georgie’s picture went viral and probably soon after, so did he. Only a 50 point infraction but a solid start.

Closely following this incident the biggest of the Burgess brothers decided it was time to for some work experience as a traffic controller.  So he grabbed a street sign and smashed it through the rear window of a car. It proved that Big Georgie is a long way from the responsibilities of running a ‘stop/go’ sign. After delivering this street justice it wasn’t hard for the police to track down  a giant with blonde hair, a strong Yorkshire accent and a hot mum (I couldn’t resist including his mum and allegedly the same goes for Russel Crowe) .  This incident cost George 2 games, $10000, anger management classes and 50 hours community service but more importantly it came with loading of 650 knob points.

Ben Barba

barba_ebc_2602

Epic Bender Crew. From the position of the Tattoo it’s more like Epic Boner Crew.

Big Bad Benny Barba  burst into ‘Golden Knob’ contention with a couple of scurrilous efforts this season. The first we heard of was when Ben was stood down from playing and entered into a drug and alcohol rehabilitation clinic. It was sighted that he was suffering family issues and not dealing well with the break up of his marriage. As the story broke so did the picture of a tattoo on Bens lower torso ‘EBC’. Apparently this was an initiation into a party scene group called the ‘Epic Bender Crew’. Ben had fallen into the hands of societies elite and taken to alcoholism and gambling.  Further stories confirmed that Ben was attending training a little ‘tired and emotional’ and the club needed to take immediate action. With this effort Ben Barba entered the race for the Golden Knob.

But he wasn’t done with.

In the last month of Rugby League he has managed to jump ship from the Bulldogs, which is an offence that we can’t award him points for. But the release of photos depicting a battered and bloodied female has shot Ben up the leader board. There is more to this story from all sides but after reviewing the rules I have awarded Ben Barba 600 points. He tallies points for stupid tattoos (50 points), public violence (150 points),  alleged spousal abuse (350 points) and various club sanctioned breaches (300 points). He finishes with a total of 850 points.

This brings me to this years champion. This man has managed to dodge responsibility, abuse trust, drink heavily, breach club rules,  attract police arrests, face court twice and even help contribute to the  demise of a coach.

Ladies and Gentleman I give you this years winner of the ‘Golden Knob Award’

Blake ‘the ventriloquist’ Ferguson

Blake

David Strassman he isn’t.

Blake started the year with a couple of minor indiscretions. Late for training and drinking while injured but he burst onto the scene when he played ‘Robbin’ to Josh Dogan’s ‘Batman’.  Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dumber on the roof of their house enjoying a breezer in Canberra, in a practice commonly known as the   ‘Bogan Balcony’.

Blake ‘the snake’ unreservedly apologised for his actions and was given another chance by the Canberra Raiders. Until these two idiots joined forces on the eve of State of Origin Camp II.

“Congrats to big joshy Dugan very happy for you bra  @Josh_Dugan #wereback.”

Off the back of this twitter message both men went out and drank themselves into oblivion. Two Golden Knob finalists in the same place at the same time.

What is the worst that could happen?

The night came undone when Blake allegedly mistook a woman on a bar stool for a ventriloquist doll. An honest mistake. To Blake’s surprise the doll came to life and slapped him across the face. Thinking this odd Blake thought he better  familiarize himself with the women before she did something she would regret.

‘Don’t you know who I am?’ he said,

The lady  incorrectly guessed,  David Strassman.

Following this Ferguson was charged with sexual assault and stood down from representative and club football.  After a 2 month lay off Ferguson returned for 1 game and then went AWOL. The playing group revolted and Furner was sacked. Like a good dose of Roundup, Ferguson poisoned the roots of the club and celebrated by drinking in the Cross. He topped off the night by jumping a cab queue in front of the waiting public and headed home. Since this incident Ferguson has not attended training or even spoken to the club.

But instead of going underground Blake pops up on another knobs twitter feed. This picture accompanied with #foundhim.  (pic bleow)

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At least Blake wasn’t driving. Also where is that other hand? From the reaction of Goodwin I have an idea where is it. Blake up to his out ventriloquist tricks again.

Once again Ferguson displayed a complete disrespect for the Raiders management, the fans and the NRL. The picture doesn’t befit a man going through tough personal issues.

This wasn’t enough. Following this he was caught speeding and  fined for driving with a suspended license. After this incident the ‘Golden Knob’ was a forgone conclusion, but Blake peaked  when he appeared in an interview with Anthony Mundine. A gag order saw all questions directed to Blake, answered by Mundine. It was possibly the weirdest and dumbest interviews I have seen. Led by the best linguist since King George VI, Mundine stuttered, crossed tenses, created words, inappropriately applied verbs and adjectives and generally butchered the English language.

Hey Bra, I can do this while blowin a bubble

Hey Bra, I can do this while blowin a bubble.
(so that’s where Blake got the idea from)

At seasons end Blake polled 1800 points. Infractions included multiple club fines and breaches, double selfies, court appearances, police charges (driving without a license and speeding), publicly pictured/filmed with Anthony Mundine, completing the knob trifecta, wearing a Flat Brim cap with logo on, various social media offences, knob tattoos (Dorgeson), miscellaneous offences (taxi rank queue jumping).

Ladies and gentlemen  once again the winner of the ‘Golden Knob’ for 2013.

Golden Knob Award